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Word Gems 

exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity

Soulmate, Myself:
Omega Point

Kairissi & Elenchus:

XV
 

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E. Kriss… I’m not doing very well… I need to talk this out… Sometimes I think I’m ok, that we’ve settled things, but, the truth is… I’m not ok. I know we’ve been over this and over this, about what happened to us, but then the old images of what you said oppress and haunt me.

K. (silence)

E. My problem is… I don’t know if I can forgive you… I want to, I’ve tried very hard; but… as we’ve learned, forgiveness is not a matter of trying hard -- that’s just one more mask to wear, and we’ve worn enough of those, and “held them up with two hands.” I’m so tired of masks.

K. (silence)

E. I know what Spirit-Guide Abu says about things like this. He quotes Jesus’ teaching, “They know not what they do.” And that helps me with others in life who've caused me trouble. But it doesn’t help me with you; it doesn’t make sense with you. You were the one to teach me about the meaning of love; you were the one who came to me with the “extreme delight”; you were the one to awaken me. But then, like Lana, you pretended it never happened. You betrayed my open heart, you trampled on my sincere offer of love. I can’t make sense of that. How could you go back to the old ways of anger and petulance after what we experienced together? Everyday I try to make sense of this, but I cannot. And so… I’m not able to trust you… I can’t deal with this.

K. (sighing)

K. Ellus... can we not just start again, and set aside all the chaos that beset us, even since we were kids? Haven’t we spent enough of our lives working against each other, trying to be rid of the other, ignoring each other, stomping away in anger? Can we not write a new chapter and put away the old spitefulness? (sighing) When will this nightmare end, Elenchus? Haven’t we lost enough yet? Haven't we created enough suffering? Haven’t we ruined enough happiness? When will we be able to forgive and begin anew and simply love each other?

E. (silence)

E. I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said; but… it doesn’t ring true.

K. What do you mean?

E. You say, “haven’t we suffered enough, haven’t we lost enough?” – but, I don’t think it’s that simple.

K. (softly) Why not?

E. My suffering – my suffering for you – has changed me. But I don’t think your suffering has done the same for you.

K. (silence)

E. The problem is, Kriss, I just don’t trust you. Well, I do trust your truest heart, but when that dark side of you comes out, I don’t know who you are; worse, you don’t know me. You treat me like some kind of stranger or enemy… Your unkindesses have been so spectacular and breathtaking… you become a different person when you lose yourself that way, somebody I don't even recognize... I can't be with someone who isn't able to cherish me as I do her.

K. (sighing)

E. This is how it’s been for us since you were a young girl. Sometimes you’d be so happy to be with me, but then this other side of you comes out, you become vicious, and then I don't recognize you… We used to make excuses for you, referring to your mercuriality as "artistic temperament"; but – we can’t play hide-and-seek games like that anymore.

K. (softly) A long time ago, Lateece and Day Star warned me of this… that I was interacting with you just as any Mary would… that I had not yet built my love for you on a foundation of the “true self.”

E. Kriss… I think you need time to “make your music pure.” I can’t be with you now, not until you go through your own “long dark night”; being together, without a good measure of maturity, would just make you worse, and both of us miserable.

K. (silence)

Kairissi. We haven’t talked in a while… I know you don’t want to talk to me…

Elenchus. It's not like that.

K. If you will allow it… I would like to say a few things.

E. I will always listen to you.

K. (sighing)

K. Over the last weeks and months, when we’ve talked, you’ve been of two minds: sometimes you've been normal and want to find a way back to me; but other times… you don’t want to see me again.

E. (silence)

K. I understand why, and I know that I did some things to hurt you; but, Ellus, if I may present my case, there are things that you don’t understand.

E. (silence)

K. You’ve pointed out my sins, against you and against us. You said you can’t trust me now, and that you have trouble forgiving me. You said I’d been “vicious” with “spectacular unkindnesses.” I deny none of this… but what you don’t see is that you did some of the same things to me. And, if I may, I would like to speak about this.

E. (silence)

K. It’s not easy for me to speak against you; it’s not in my nature. No matter what happened between us, I always just wanted us to be in love and together. Before I talk plainly, I would like to digress and share a great realization that came to me just a few days ago. It was late at night. As usual, I was feeling bad about us. When I get into that fretful state of mind, I start to make a list of ways that you hurt me. I wish that I could sit you down and say “you hurt me this way, and you hurt me that way, and I want you to know that I’m not the bad person you make me out to be.”

E. (silence)

K. And so, the other night when this happened, I was feeling so bad. But then suddenly I saw something. And when I did, all the pain in my spirit just rushed away, like air out of a balloon. And, in a moment, I was at peace. And now I no longer cared about being “right” or lecturing you to prove my case. A great burden had been lifted from my spirit.

E. (silence)

K. I think what happened was, sometimes when a person suffers so much, the ego can break open and break down, and the true self naturally and automatically emerges. And I believe that’s what happened to me. And now you will be wondering, what did I see and how did it liberate me? Well, both of us know that a mystical experience is not really transferable but is for the percipient alone. Nevertheless, I will try to convey.

E. (silence)

K. The author wrote a piece for the “Surrender and Acceptance” page. He used an analogy of the liquid-metal Terminator to illustrate how the Ego will morph and shapeshift into 10,000 images of grievance. That’s what I’d been doing toward you. And when we’re locked into this kind of condemning frame of mind, nothing but misery ensues. But in my moment of revelation, I saw clearly that we'd been victims of the Ego, and that it wasn't really our true selves doing all those bad things. And I saw what I’d been doing to myself, as well, and now I don’t feel angry toward you anymore; and ... I don’t condemn myself, either.

E. (silence)

K. I finally understand what Franchezzo in the afterlife meant when he reported:

Franchezzo, A Wanderer In The Spirit Lands: "I have seen one of a pair of lovers, whom some misunderstanding had parted, and between whom death had placed a last insurmountable barrier, [go to] the Beloved One left behind, and seek, by all means in his power, to convey to her the true state of things, that their hearts had been true, whatever might have appeared to the contrary!"

K. This is what happened to us, Ellus! All the hurtful things did not come from our true selves; on a deeper level, we always loved each other and were always true, no matter the immature reactions at the surface of life.

E. (sighing)

K. Elenchus, what we were, what we did, and what we failed to do back then was just the ego on a rampage. It was a phase of immaturity for us. We might as well vilify little babies for spilling a cup of milk as condemn ourselves. It was just in the nature of things. And I feel it would be a benefit to say some things in my defense; not to be “right” or to feel superior, but to help you be more realistic toward me and less condemning; because, right now, you don’t see that you did the same things.

E. (sighing) Ok, tell me.

K. When I came to you early on, and tried to speak to you, it seemed like you didn’t care. And so, yes, I did become angry – because I felt rejected. And during the next years of school, I tried not to look at you. I felt you didn’t want me. Later in life, as you thought about this event, you judged me with, "how could I have done that?" We’d been friendly enough for a long time, you said, and then I so easily threw you away and treated you as nothing. I have no defense for this. I was very immature at the time and didn’t know how to handle my feelings of rejection.

E. (silence)

K. But, Elenchus, your version of what happened is very one-sided. Don’t you see? – you threw me away, too. You say that we’d been friends, and that’s true – that’s why I felt comfortable coming to you in the first place, to reveal things of my heart. But, if we were friends, then why did you allow me to not look at you and be distant? What I mean to say is, when people have been friends for a long time, and if one is downcast or out of sorts, the normal thing is for one to go to the other and say, “Are you feeling ok? Is something wrong? You haven’t seemed happy for some time.” But, Elenchus, for five years, all the remaining years of school, you never said one word to me, you never asked me if I was going through some difficulty. Instead, you just let me drift away into oblivion. You didn’t care enough even to say one word. And is it not reasonable for me to also say to you, why did you so easily throw me away? why were you so callous, so thoughtless? why didn't you investigate why I was feeling so bad and stop it?

E. (deeply sighing)

K. Well, I do know the answer. You were an immature young boy. There was a lot of that going around, and there’s no special condemnation for it. You had a right to take as much time to grow up as required. But, Elenchus, don’t you see – I had the same right. (very softly weeping)

E. (sighing)

K. (sighing) I know that, when I came to you, your feelings for me had not yet been activated. I wanted too much too soon. And it also hurt me that you were infatuated with other girls at the time...

K. We can’t control these things; as the man in Camelot said, “Can passion be selected?” But it made it all the harder for me as I knew they weren’t right for you, and that we had the beginnings of something real together -  but you were still too half-baked to see this.

E. (silence)

K. I’m going to stop here. I had a few other things to say, but you’ll figure these out on your own; you’re good at seeing things clearly once your eyes open. However, from that early incident, we spun away, far out of each other’s orbit, and it would take decades before greater maturity would reveal what happened back then - who we are to each other and what we lost. I am convinced, Ellus, that the Guides did not allow us to come together at that time; we would have made each other miserable. It was all like a farcical dream in which nothing could be made to go right for us. And, even years later, misunderstandings abounded, and each of us continued to “play the fool” in the eyes of the other. No matter what we said or did, it always came out wrong. I wanted to present my case to help you better evaluate what happened to us; and mainly, to persuade both of us that, for once in our lives -- we should stop throwing each other away.

E. I have to admit... I didn't realize, that... I did some of the same things...

K. (softly) Can you forgive me now?

E. Yes... I think I can... I was so busy finding fault with you that I blinded myself to what I had done.

K. (sighing)

E. You once said to me, "Let's not lose each other again."

K. (softly) Yes... I remember.

E. But, you know what the greatest loss was for me?

K. (silence)

E. After I failed to receive you, after I lost you, I went on to lose myself... It took me a long time to realize what happened back then, and just how unformed and chaotic I was in those early years... And then I began to miss you, which, in the beginning, I didn't want to do... but, even this moment, I suddenly know what I mean by missing you... I miss feeling alive.

K. (silence)

E. There were those few times, long ago, when we interacted authentically - some of it happened so early that I was too young to know - but we felt so happy and joyous, simply to be together; and now I see that, during those rare moments... I felt alive... The reality is, in my whole life, I've never felt alive since then, not with anyone else... and I think I've spent all these years trying to get back to what we lost... and now the problem for me is... if my future doesn't have you in it, then... I don't know what I'm going to do.

K. (very softly) Elenchus... as Adam finally learned, after trying everything else... Eve's name means "life."

E. (sighing)

K. (softly) Elenchus... could we not just start over? ... We're not so unlike Jill and Dan; we too have a "lost Christmas," a lost life of love that "ought to have been." Please, Elenchus... could we not just start again?

E. (sighing) I want to say something more... I told you that, when I’m near you, I feel alive. And that’s true; however, it goes deeper than that.

K. (silence)

E. You remember our discussions in “The Wedding Song” - we said there’s something wrong with John and Mary’s negotiations, their buying-and-selling plan of “make me happy,” how they make each other a stepping-stone to one's private pleasure. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to use you as others have done or would do.

K. (silence)

E. What I’m trying to say is that, you mean more to me than just an opportunity for good feelings or a good life, some means to an end.

K. (silence)

E. Several years ago, I met with a psychic-medium. Without my asking for information or questioning or even mentioning you, she was given a sense about us from the Guides. Not only did she know that I was that "insensate worm" back then unable to receive you, but she saw you in vision, too; identified you clearly, knew your body-type, the tint of your hair, your personality and sometimes effusiveness; moreover, she knew what you had given me at that early meeting, but also perceived what happened to us in the aftermath, the disastrous consequences. Even so, in mitigation, she also understood that your fervency toward me, as a delayed reaction, and unbeknownst to you, would yet serve as proximate cause for my “coming out of myself,” my later maturity, and my impetus to understand and penetrate mysteries.

K. (sighing) We called this the “cracking of the granite.”

E. Yes, exactly that.

K. (softly) What is the connection between what I gave you and your "coming of age"?

E. My spiritual evolvement? Well, we've talked about this in a thousand pages. And actually, you're the one who politely defined it for me - "It's the joy, stupid."

K. (small smile) What else did the psychic tell you?

E. Keep in mind that she was relaying the thoughts of the Guides who know us better than we know ourselves. She said that though we're making our way back to each other, complications remain, that we're not home-free yet; but, what I really remember is, because, astonishing to me, I had whispered these same things in my secret heart  -- she said, “You would wait for her, no matter how long the wait, and you'd want her, even if she’s 90, even if she’s in a nursing home unable to move, you’d still want her.”

K. (sighing) It's very strange, Elenchus - we think we're living our lives all alone with nobody knowing where we are or what we're doing, but, in fact, we already have "reputations" on the other side!

E. There are no secrets... and, for myself, even Heaven knows, it's well known among the Spirit Guides, just how much you mean to me and how much I want you.

you would let me walk away - again

STNG, season two, episode “The Emissary”

Is there anything else you require?

No... nothing else.

(she walks to the transporter, then turns)

Damn you, Worf!! You would let me walk away - again! - without saying another word, wouldn't you!

What needs to be said?

Nothing! … Everything! … We're about to go our separate ways again...

(long pause from him, then)

Kalar! ... I will not be complete… without you…