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Word Gems 

exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity

Soulmate, Myself:
Omega Point

Kairissi & Elenchus:

XIV
 

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E. Part of me wants to apologize to you. You were so ahead of me in those early years, and I was so unformed. I couldn’t give you anything then, and you were so frustrated with me. You came to me with your delight, but I lacked an emotional infrastructure to receive you.

K. (silence)

E. You were certain I was rejecting you… and then, for years, you wouldn’t even look at me.

K. (sighing)

E. I look back at that long-ago event… it’s like a dream, something that happened in someone else’s life… the great event, you coming to me, happened so quickly, I was taken off-guard, you were so unlike yourself, so happy, and I was so unready. And then, 30 minutes later, the event was over, I didn't know how to handle it, and big decisions were made so cavalierly, so thoughtlessly, ones that would affect the entire course of our time in this sorrowful world. In a hot moment, we sent ourselves on a long journey, but without each other. (sighing)

K. (very softly) I once asked you, “do you remember the time…”

E. I was not able to coherently respond; but, what I wanted to say was, “yes, Beloved, I remember; in my life, I remember little else.”

E. Over the years, as I’ve pondered that pivotal event of great misunderstanding, I sometimes count your coming as a kind of birth of our love; premature and stillborn, though it was. However, I now see that it was not the beginning, at least for me. I say this because I was yet too unaware.

K. (softly) What do you feel was the beginning for us?

E. This will sound strange, but – it was that one time in high school when I asked you to dance.

K. But, Ellus – we didn’t say a word to each other, and that dance was almost over before it started.

E. I know, but – I see it as a beginning because that was the first time in my life, like rising from the dead, that I, my deepest self, began to stir, to feel something inside for you. But now I will surely be misunderstood again, because what I felt was not love per se, but the foundation of love.

K. Are you speaking of infatuation?

E. No… that would have been a step up for me.

K. (small smile)

E. Let me talk about that infamous dance: two minutes with you as “hinge of history” for our young lives. The first thing I note is that I should remember this incident at all. Why would I recall this two minutes? In high school and college I may have danced with, I don’t know, fifty or a hundred girls. I’d be hard pressed to say anything about almost all of those encounters. But that two minutes with you is burned in my head for all time. It’s vivid.

K. But, that’s because I meant something to you.

E. Yes, of course, but at the time I didn’t know that. It was my best kept secret; and I would never tell, especially myself.

K. I recall that aspect too well; even so, a deeper part of you knew exactly what was going on.

E. Let's go to a mental “holodeck” and recreate the scene of that dance. We were fourteen. I didn’t like dances. I felt awkward. I’m not sure why I came.

K. “A pink carnation and a pick-up truck”?

E. And I’m thinking, I should do something instead of just standing here, and so I’m looking around at the girls sitting on the bleachers. I’m afraid of rejection, “What if they say no?” But then I see you sitting there. I’m really not that interested in dancing with you so much; after all, you never look me, but I am familiar with you, so there’s some small comfort in that.

K. I'm so charmed. But don’t forget the big advantage, too, that if I say “no,” you wouldn’t really care, so that’s great protection for your ego.

E. There is that, for sure, and so I choose you. I walk over to you and ask you to dance. I see a wave of mild shock sweeping over your pretty face, as if to say, “You’re not supposed to talk to me. Don’t you know this is against the rules?”

K. (small smile)

E. You hesitate in your response. After a second or two of unspoken deliberation, you offer assent, but more in the character of acquiescence than purposeful acceptance. Your defiant ego wanted to turn me down, but that would have created a scene, and so you decide that the easiest way of handling this insult, and to get rid of me, was just to get it over with quickly. And so, you didn't say a word, you just followed me to the dance-floor.

K. I’ve broken my vow not to look at you.

E. Sort of, but not much. And so, there we are, as we assume the traditional dance posture; with you, studiously keeping your distance from me.

K. (smiling)

E. Your right hand is unavoidably in my left, my right hand is supporting the small of your back.

K. (smiling) Was my left hand on your shoulder?

E. Probably, though you didn’t want to touch me, you reluctantly conceded this item in the negotiations lest you look weird to your peers back on the bleachers.

K. (smiling)

E. So, it seems we’re dancing, we're airborne, but not too much altitude. I don’t really know how to dance, so for me it’s more of a rhythmic shuffle, somewhat out-of-tune.

K. (softly laughing)

E. And I’m subliminally aware that your head is turned to the side, gazing at some distant star; that is, anything but me.

K. (laughing)

E. I’m not overly hurt by this affront of non-engagement because, well, I wasn’t expecting much and didn't even want your attention, as I don’t “have a thing for you” anyway, so I’m just going through the motions. It’ll be over soon, I console myself.

K. (small smile)

E. As you may gather from all this - to restate - I was not, in any sense, possessed by a “lover boy” mentality. Part of me was questioning what I was even doing out on a dance-floor, especially with you, as you hadn’t been that nice to me for a long time. Your present aloofness only confirmed this assessment.

K. (silence)

E. Considering all this detachment, even on my part, but still not matching your own, what happened next, in the remaining 90 seconds of the stilted "walking embrace," becomes all the more remarkable. I’ve tried to make you smile just now, and sometimes wince, by this recounting of early-teen foibles. I guess everybody has stories like this, of what we did and didn't do during our time of immaturity; but… what happened next is not so common… and I’m beginning to despair this moment to make myself clear.

K. Just relax, Elenchus, and let it flow from your heart.

E. (sighing)

E. I’m searching for an analogy to help. The problem is, it’s not “like” anything else. “The Wedding Song” says that true love, in this world, is "something never seen before.”

K. (softly) Is that what you felt for me – true love?

E. No – not at that early stage. But it was a basis for love. There’s a Latin term, “sine quo non,” literally, “without which not.” It’s sometimes called “but-for causation”; that is, “you can't have Y without or but for X.”

K. And, you say, what you experienced during those 90 seconds with me was not love but the sine quo non of love.

E. Let’s recall the author’s discussions in “The Wedding Song.” He defined “love.”

K. He said that love is an awareness of the underlying one life uniting us all. This would mean that life, and the awareness of it, is the sine quo non of love.

E. I suddenly feel even more incapable of trying to explain what happened to me.

K. Ellus… you had a mystical experience when you were dancing with me. These, by definition, defy explanation. Just relax and tell me what comes to mind.

E. Alright… let me say, too, that I’ve sometimes used the image of a “worm vaguely aware of the light” to describe my condition, my level of awareness, back then.

K. And what was the first sense of disturbance for the “worm”?

E. The first perception that penetrated the fog in my spirit was an awareness of your hand in mine… A growing sense of amazement, or at least the beginning of amazement…

K. It’s hard to amaze a worm.

E. Very hard.

K. (smiling) 

E. And my fourteen-year-old self is suddenly realizing that your hand seems incredibly light. I mean, I can't get over it. What's happening with this!? I judge it to be the lightest hand I’ve ever touched.

K. (silence)

E. And then, not to be outdone, my other hand, pressing against your back, signals that – yes, your back, but indeed, your entire body, seems to be the lightest body.

K. (silence)

E. You seemed to me, as in a dream, virtually weightless. You were a dandelion puff about to float away. I distinctly and vividly remember this sense of incredible lightness about you.

K. Now, when you danced with other girls during that early time, did you ever experience any of this “lightness.”

E. No, never. It was only with you. From that long-ago day to this, only you.

************************************

Editor's note: This sense of "lightness" was referenced in another context concerning a K&E experience. In that writing, it was said:

E. “No you and no me” eliminates existential "distance" between two. This results in perceptions of oneness – and oneness, as we’ve learned, as discussed in our articles, produces an unparalleled experience of pleasure. Far more than ordinary bio-attraction. Actually, “more” is not the right descriptor, as it’s different in kind not just more. It feels “higher grade” or “lighter” or “fresh and clean.”

K. And it seems to me that this “no you and no me”, this "no distance," began to happen for us, even at age nine, during the Flintstone incidents. And, I think it’s clear, this is the source of your feelings of “happiest moments” of life. What you felt was way off the charts of anything a little boy should have been privy to. A highest-level mystical-experience of oneness produced this euphoria. But we were just getting starting.

************************************

K. Then what happened?

E. And now it gets even harder to explain. I’ve been trying to think of some sort of analogy. All analogies are imperfect, but two come to mind that might help a little. The first relates to a spring thaw. You know, the melting of snow and ice…

K. ... and the emergence of life?

E. Yes – the emergence of life.

E. Think of thick ice on a lake. When the warm spring weather finally comes, you can actually hear the cracking of the ice as it breaks up. This is what happened to me.

K. What you’re saying is, when you were touching me during that dance, something deep inside you was breaking up?

E. I could almost hear the cracking somewhere deep within.

K. Elenchus, I will tell you what this reminds me of. Tolle talks about cultivating a perception of the “inner body’s” life. He says, to the effect, “Mentally focus on your hands. Do you feel the tingling? Most people find it easiest to sense the 'life within' starting with the hands.” Think about this. When you were fourteen, you were given a kind of lesson in discerning the “inner energy” when you touched my hand. You sensed the tingling, the energy. It seemed so rarified and light, gossamer-like, that you felt I might float away. You felt the life within – within both of us.

E. That young “worm, vaguely aware of the light,” was quite blind to who you were to him. And yet even this comatose young boy knew there was something strange going on.

K. The breaking up of ice and the first blossoms of spring become the emergence of life. Does this describe what happened to you?

E. It rings true, but something is missing. The picture of a gentle thawing of ice is too benign. Even though the turmoil occurred silently within my deepest person, there was a certain element of violence associated with it.

K. (softly) What do you mean by "violence"?

E. It was like… birth pangs… pain and suffering… I’m struggling to offer you a picture of what I felt… and coming to mind is a scene from an old “Star Trek” movie, “The Search For Spock.” On the planet Genesis, the body of Spock is reborn. But as the spirit of the original self begins to awaken, it reasserts within a new body with a measure of violence…

E. Life emerged, but not as a placid pink blossom on a warm spring day… instead, there was internal upheaval… cataclysmic disgorgement… seismic shift. On a subliminal level, I perceived that I was changing; even the “worm, vaguely aware of the light,” knew that something was really up, now, with you near.

K. Elenchus, I think “The Wedding Song” is our best guide here. You’ve just offered a dramatic example of “drawing life and giving it back again.”

E. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but, yes, I think you're right, that’s what was happening. We were "drawing life" from each other – greater consciousness, greater sentience - the reservoirs of life inside were breaking up, spilling over.

K. How different is the love affair of John and Mary! For them, in the main, there is a brain-chemical induced “love” attraction, that goes as quickly as it comes. But the real love is founded upon a perception of an unleashing of life within.

E. If two are destined, then a sense of attraction will eventually manifest, but only after the emergence of life. This is how it worked for me.

K. Life is the sine quo non of true love.

E. Love is the awareness of underlying shared life, and so without life, a minimum of awareness, there can be no true love. And this is why a certain spiritual maturity is required to enter the eternal love and marriage.

K. How would you summarize this, your experience, for those who will be thinking about this?

E. There’s so much, but - being attracted to a pretty girl is not a test of true love. That’s the easy part. But there’s one girl out there who will someday touch your hand and you will come alive.

K. Whether you want to or not.

E. Ready or not, here comes the emergence of life. This means that the soul is awakening, a shift in consciousness is taking place. And you will have nothing to say about it. It doesn't matter if she's snarky at the moment, or she won't look at you, or if you're unimpressed. It’s your soul’s choice, not yours. It won’t ask your permission or if it’s convenient or the right time. It will just overwhelm you with the “internal upheaval.” And don't worry, the boy-girl attraction, if not available immediately, will come later.

K. (silence)

E. When this "cracking of the ice" happens -- and the circumstances with be different for each couple -- then you will have gained some evidence of the identity of your Twin Soul, because only one girl can serve as catalyst of this kind of awakening.

Editor's note: This sense of inner awakening, perceived as "cracking of ice," was further elaborated in the "consciousness as waves" article. See much more discussion there concerning the meaning of this internal upheaval.

E. A long time ago, I read something online, and I remember it because it made me laugh. This guy was doing the legal paperwork to bring to the US a Russian bride. She was glamorous, a super-model type, and he was so excited about the prospect of all the stratospheric sex to come.

K. (small smile)

E. But then somebody posted a reply, to the effect: “Yes, but, after a while you’ll have to catch your breath and come down from the mountain – and then you’ll have to talk to her. But will you want to?” As we’ve learned, about 50% of all marriages are christened by animal desires alone.

K. It sounded like a good idea to him at the time.

E. Another incident, again, a long time ago, I had a business acquaintance who actually did this, the Russian super-model bride thing. I was invited to the wedding. And she was gorgeous, and they were all smiles – those very big smiles known only to newlyweds. But the marriage lasted, as I recall, only months.

K. It was the new US-Soviet cold war. Apparently, when he finally came down from the mountain, he didn’t want to talk to her.

E. And I was thinking of our conversation about how I wanted to study with you, and talk with you.

K. “The great relief of having you to talk to.”

E. And we said that a couple's desire to authentically talk is more rare than we’ve known, and could even be considered a test of true love.

K. Let me play devil’s advocate and say, “well, maybe some are just more gregarious, more outgoing, maybe you just like talking with people.”

E. It’s true, some are more inclined toward conversation than others. But here’s the point I want to make. This phenomenon of wanting to talk, authentically talk, with only one person, means something important. I think it’s a signpost leading us to a great truth.

K. What do you think it means?

E. You’re the only girl I ever really wanted to talk to… And then I realized what this means. We’ve spoken of the “meeting of the minds” and the “union of spirits.” You can do that with only one person because it means talking about the deepest things residing in one’s heart and soul.

K. We don’t go around chatting about most important things to just anyone.

E. It’s fairly clear to me that when you find that one person with whom you virtually cannot help yourself but to disgorge most secret elements – all of one’s hopes, plans, dreams, and aspirations – then, congratulations, you’ve just met your Twin Soul.

Elenchus. There’s something else I’d like to say about that famous dance when we were fourteen.

Kairissi. What are you seeing?

E. I can still feel that internal “cracking.” And, as I’ve said, it wasn’t the prelude to love. I wouldn’t be ready for that for some time.

K. Can you rephrase our earlier discussion? – what was really happening to you on that dance-floor?

E. Allow me to remind us that we come to this world, not to become good persons, as such, as for many that won’t even happen during the Earth-journey. There’s something more basic than becoming a “good person” and that’s simply becoming a person.

K. And how would you describe “person”?

E. What I mean is, we are to become individualized, autonomous “consciousness units.”

K. And we can do that without becoming a “good person.”

E. Becoming a "good person" might be a step or two down the road. But as we grow out of childhood, we learn to wean ourselves from the protection and influence of others, and in this segregation of what we've called "the magical child," an individualized person emerges.

K. It strikes me that not only do many people not become “good persons” in this world, but they also fail to become fully individualized to the degree that they should.

E. I think so, and this deficit, too, will be addressed in future worlds. But the point is, we don’t have to be perfectly individualized here. Virtually everyone gets the minimum instruction for this on planet Earth, and I think it happens by way of suffering and unpleasantness.

K. We can count on the Earth-mission to do that.

E. And in this suffering, as we resist it, creating a "me versus other" dynamic, we become persons in our own right. And I think part of this elemental process was happening to me on that dance-floor.

K. Explain that to me.

E. I think that, on a subliminal level, I was suffering the loss of you. You wouldn’t look at me. You wouldn’t talk to me. And, on the deep inside, I was suffering because of this rejection.

K. And this is why you never had a similar experience with another girl. You really didn’t care what they thought of you.

E. And let me say this, too. You and I had another experience of this order when we were only seven. I won’t outline the details here, but, just to explain, we were with a group of others. But suddenly you started shouting at me, I mean – really loud, accusing me of something. I was only seven and this was somewhat of a unique experience for me, and I still recall the pangs of embarrassment, in the presence of others, that I should be accused in this way. I think you remember the incident.

K. Yes… I remember, and thank you for not offering the details.

E. But here’s what happened to me. That I should remember any of this is remarkable enough – I mean, how much do I remember from age seven?

K. But you remember this.

E. It’s like seared into my head. But more than the suffering of that moment, I can still recall a sense of being jerked into a higher awareness. It’s as if my baby-ish mind, so foglike and sleep-walking, was catapulted into a new perspective. Let me clarify: I recall nothing of that long-ago incident before you started shouting, but after it, there’s a sharp clarity.

K. This incident of suffering ratcheted up both your awareness and your status of personhood by a notch or two.

E. I do think that’s just what happened. And I think what happened on the dance-floor was more of the same. I was being drawn out of myself and lifted into a better degree of sentience.

K. You were becoming more of a person.

E. Not necessarily a good person – that would come later. Actually, when I say “later,” I refer to that mystical experience, talking with you, at mid-life. I was never the same after that. And that event did begin to change me from the inside out, even more profoundly than the dance or anything else. Further, it became a great initiator of the "good" person.

K. One’s Twin Soul, as so many afterlife reports attest, is tasked with the duty of enlivening the true mate, of leading him to greater sentience.

E. As “The Wedding Song” has it, it's “drawing life and giving it back again.”

l'm going to die out here... and I have to tell you the truth

Star Trek, Voyager, season 4, episode “Day Of Honor” (1997) Tom… I’m going to die out here… and I’ve been such a coward… so I have to finally tell you the truth. The truth about what? I love you…